Just letting you know right off the bat that you’re going to want to pull up YouTube/Spotify/Pandora (do people even use Pandora for music anymore?) before reading this… and start playing waltz music.
It doesn’t really matter what kind of waltz music…
OH WAIT YES IT DOES
Russian waltz would be the best to play because it’s the most romantic and this is going to be a full-out rant/case/argument for romance in the modern world.
Light a candle if you think it will also help with the romantic vibes.
Here are some suggestions…
- Blue Danube Waltz. Op. 314
- Shostokovich Waltz no. 2
- The Swan Lake Waltz
- Classical Waltzes | Strauss, Chopin, Shostakovich…
- Russian Waltz Music – Useful for Studying (1 hour)
Here are some modern songs that have the timing of a waltz if you’re opposed to the old stuff.
- Tightrope from The Greatest Showman
- A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
Now that you have your soundtrack… let’s begin.
We’re facing a wild marriage crisis in the world today.
How do I know this?
Because I live in the world and I have eyes and ears.
Also because while my parent’s generation were all getting married from ages 18-26 today it’s shifted to 26-eternity.
If that doesn’t sound like a crisis to you I don’t know what to tell you.
I also know the marriage crisis is real because I just barely looked it up on Google and there are tons of articles about it
There could be many contributing factors to the lack of marriage in society today…
The COVID nightmare, political differences, the Kindle stand and remote that makes girls too happy to lay in bed and read all day, video games, Instagram reels, TikTok, books by Sarah J. Maas that make people want to be dark fairy lords instead of human, and I’m sure fluoride in the water and high cholesterol hasn’t helped either.
But I have my own theory
The reason people aren’t getting married today is because of the waltz.
Specifically the lack of waltz in modern society.
I 100% believe and am fully confident that more people would be getting married if we were a society that waltzed.
Now, unfortunately, we’ve come so far from the waltz that people don’t even know what it is anymore…so a short explanation will be necessary.
Back in the times of Pride and Prejudice… also known as Regency England… also known as the years 1800-1812… upper-class people used to attend dances… regularly.
Not high school dances, or galas or random outbreaks of dance in the street.
We’re talking balls.
Like Cinderella-type balls.
Now I know historians are going to come at me because the people who attended dances were only a small part of the population of London let alone the whole world so I’m not saying that everyone benefited from this system.
Buuuuuut the people that went to balls back in the times of Jane Austen… GOT MARRIED.
Except Jane Austen herself which is one of the biggest mysteries of all (besides what happened to the body of Amelia Earhart which is the most interesting mystery of all time)
Anyway anyway, back in the time of Jane Austen they did dances.
And guess what… they did NOT dance the waltz.
QUICK DEFINITION OF A WALTZ (from the internet)
- a dance in triple time (meaning if you can count ‘one two three’ and it feels like it goes with the music it’s a waltz) performed by a couple, who as a pair turn rhythmically around and around as they progress around the dance floor.
- Something the internet interestingly left out of their definition is the dance leaves both partners breathless, full of joy/happiness/excitement, and possibly wanting to start a relationship.
Do I secretly believe in a conspiracy theory that the internet is hiding information about the waltz because they don’t want people to get married? Possibly… ask me in a few months and I might be all the way there.
The Waltz was so powerful in the time of Jane Austen that in most places it was actually BANNED.
The dances they did in Regency England were country dances that required you to hold hands in a circle or with your partner. This kind of dancing ensured that your hands prevented your body from touching anyone else’s body… only the hands.
This is why the waltz was mega scandalous (and popular!) because suddenly there was nothing to prevent the front of one body from touching the front of another body…
If you’re confused I have no idea how to be more clear.
Just kidding I can definitely be more clear.
In a waltz the man puts his right hand on the lower back of the woman… while the woman puts her left hand on the shoulder/upper back (or neck if you’re a scandalous woman) of the man. Then the man’s left hand is clasped with the woman’s right hand.
Understand the problem?!?!?!
THERE IS NOW NO HANDS KEEPING YOU A SAFE DISTANCE FROM YOUR PARTNER
There is also the fact that hands are now touching the other person’s body…automatically making it more scandalous, more breathless, more intimate, and of course… more romantic.
You might be thinking “What about the dance scene in the Kiera Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice?”
NOT a waltz
“What about the dance scene between Emma and Mr Knightley in the 2020 film Emma?”
Also NOT a waltz
“What about the dance in the King and I?”
NOT a waltz… it was a polka.
In the olden days, you couldn’t even dance the waltz without ruining your reputation because it put you too close to another person and resulted in marriage… or more specifically things that should only happen in marriage.
Eventually, the waltz became permitted because men and women obviously enjoyed it, and it was so powerful that it resulted in relationships which was the whole point of dances in the first place.
So if the waltz is so powerful and results in possible relationships and marriage why did we ever stop doing it?
Good. Question.
Let’s get into it.
Waltzing requires you to learn to dance…
At some point in society, we just decided we didn’t want to spend the time learning (except for homeschoolers who are passionate about preserving ballroom dance… perhaps too passionate) (speaking as a homeschooler who did ballroom dance for 2 years)
Just like in the times of Jane Austen, I have attended my fair share of dances…
Did I waltz at most of these dances? Yes, but that’s only because I’m homeschooled and currently homeschoolers are the leading pioneers in keeping waltzing alive.
But at dances I attended that were not homeschool dances, the most common form of dancing was one of these three.
- Standing in a circle while watching people flip around on the floor.
- Girls hands on shoulders, guys hands on hips.
- Jumping up and down with your fist in the air and provocatively moving your body around.
- Folk dancing which is in a different category and will not be part of this discussion.
Now you might be thinking… all of these dances bring you in close proximity to another person… which is exactly what waltzing does… so modern dancing should also be leading to marriage.
And. Yet. It. Does. Not.
That’s because there’s something about the waltz specifically that is different from all other dances.
Waltzing has steps. You cannot waltz and stay in the same place. The dance requires movement and it’s the movement that makes the dance so powerful. The man and woman are a team in a waltz. They have to acknowledge each other and stay focused on the other person for the entirety of the dance. It would be dangerous for a bunch of couples to just be waltzing in a room together because there would be accidents all over the place, and yet there are not… because the man is in charge of leading in a waltz. The woman must relinquish control, and follow the directives of the man. It is he who guides the couple seamlessly through a large room. Because there is so much movement… so much effort to focus on the other person… it leaves both people in the dance rather breathless.
If you have never waltzed before… I will shed actual tears for you.
It is a beautiful experience to waltz.
I once waltzed with someone who was STRICTLY only my friend… and the dance was so powerful we both almost forgot that we were only friends.
My friend even said to me before the dance “Try not to fall in love with me.”
This is a good thing to say before waltzing with someone who is just a friend because it’s that powerful.
Beware the power of the waltz. It changes how you see reality.
You will also never smile so big in your entire life.
I will vote for any politician who runs on the platform of bringing waltzing back into modern culture.
You really want to solve the marriage crisis?
Raise some money, take some dance lessons, and start hosting real-life balls…
I’m talking the floor-length gown
Men wearing full suits with coattails
Women having dance cards
Bowls of punch
Smelling salts for when women pretend to swoon
Women pretending to be lightheaded as an excuse for being out of shape
Dancing lasting for HOURS… well into the next day
Alcoves for couples to have a private moment
The full experience
A real-life ball with a real-life waltz just like in the ancient times. That is my solution to the marriage crisis.
But I’m also just in favor of grabbing a speaker and dragging it to an outdoor basketball court and having a waltz party with people wearing basketball shorts and jeans. Those are the waltzes I’ve attended and they’re still just as powerful.
So I plead with anyone who will listen.
Bring. Back. The. Waltz.
Marriages will follow
The birth rate will increase
The world will be saved
The United Nations will no longer need to exist because waltzing is powerful enough to solve every problem in the world.
We start having ourselves some of these parties and people start getting themselves a spouse.
It’s really that easy.
Husbands/Boyfriends/Men in general… I am pleading with you to learn how to waltz.
Even if you can’t imagine anything worse, I promise it will take your relationship to places you never thought it could go.
And I bet it will also increase your confidence because there is nothing more confidence-building than being able to lead a woman effortlessly through a ballroom.
Bring. Back. The Waltz.
And be careful waltzing with someone you don’t want to marry… it’s simply too powerful.