To my cousins who willingly vow each year to resist the family curse.
Arguably one of the greatest stories in all of literature is the story of Jacob and Esau in the Bible.
Esau is the oldest and therefore the first in line to get all of his father’s blessings and money.
BUT HE SELLS IT ALL for a bowl of lentils.
Not refried beans.
Not black beans.
Not even hummus.
Lentils.
It helps me sleep at night to believe that they were at least salted.
This story is significant because it inevitably cursed the entire world.
I gave it a super innocent unique never-before-heard-sounding name: The Jacob and Esau Family Curse
The curse is that no matter how close you are with your siblings, or how good of a family you are or how spiritual or religious or amazing…
You WILL fight over the family will… and it WILL get ugly.
And when it does get inevitably ugly, you can’t solve these crises with a bowl of lentils anymore. Frankly, I’m surprised that ever worked at all, even in biblical times… OH WAIT IT DIDN’T WORK Jacob had to run for his life because Esau realized too late that all of his father’s blessings were probably worth much more than a bowl of (maybe salted?) lentils.
I am a kind of orphan.
I didn’t lose my parents.
But I lost every single one of my grandparents at much too young an age.
Neither of my grandfathers was wealthy… one was a beet farmer/truck driver and the other was some kind of dishwasher parts salesman.
But lo and behold when they both passed away and it came time to settle the inheritance it turned out that both of them had accumulated quite a bit of property and assets.
What ensued after their deaths was a years-long legal family trauma that made reality TV look like a children’s show.
When the dust finally settled and the money was distributed (as fairly as possible in these insane traumatic situations) there was nothing but smoldering ruins where a strong family had once been.
My mother is still miraculously able to speak to almost all of her siblings… which is lucky.
My father is still the only sane person left in his family and only speaks to other members when they are out of prison and not addicted to drugs… not so lucky.
So at last when our personal family’s legal traumas had finally ended… my parents bought a house that was right the very beating heart of a whole other family’s legal trauma.
That’s how curses work. Just when you think it’s over it starts back up again.
I am being a bit dramatic about this which is strange since I usually tend not to be dramatic at all ever.
But I came out of these situations with the firm belief that close families get decimated, destroyed, and damaged beyond repair by a little bit of Grandpas $$$.
I believe that all people should live with the firm assumption that following the death of a parent or grandparent, YOUR FAMILY WILL BE FIGHTING OVER SOMETHING AND IT WILL BE UGLY.
It’s the Jacob and Esau Family Curse
“What if there is no will in my family?” doesn’t matter there will still always be something to fight over
“My parents aren’t going to leave anything behind so there will be nothing to fight over.” also doesn’t matter… even if all they leave behind is an old family quilt it could still tear the family apart.
And the worst comeback of all…
“My family has always been very close and if something like this ever happened I think we would just be able to talk about it like rational adults.”
Ohhhhh
Oh Ohhhh Oh Oh Oh
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So foolish to think that in situations like this people behave like “rational adults.”
The closer the family… the harder the curse works to tear you all apart.
During the time when I was coming to this sad realization about society, I sat at my extended family’s Thanksgiving party and looked deeply into the faces of my dear cousins.
I knew that we were close.
I also knew that we were all cursed… And that in just a few short years we would be having our own family legal drama.
I felt myself getting more and more depressed the longer I sat there thinking about it.
So… I decided to do something.
I planned a little weekend trip and invited my cousins.
I decided to give it an innocent unique never-before-heard-sounding name: Cousin Trip
I pitched the idea to my cousins as a trip to enjoy each other’s company, eat good food, and have a little vacation.
Pictured: Whiteboard used at the original Cousin Trip circa 2022
But the truth was much more nefarious.
The real reason to gather us all together was to force all of my cousins to make a vow over apple juice in fancy goblets that we WILL NOT… ever… under any circumstances be caught fighting over any future family will, or asset, or money, or quilt, or puzzle, or old weird looking instrument.
Some would say there was really no need for this kind of behavior. Our grandfather already passed away and it was our parents who went through the trauma of distributing his assets so we would have nothing to worry about.
But it’s precisely in the moments when you think you’re safe that you become most susceptible to the Jacob and Esau Family Curse.
So one freezing night in March, the 10 of us gathered in an abandoned 2 bedroom Airbnb in Honeyville Utah raised our goblets of apple juice, and vowed to avoid the curse at all costs.
It was a pretty powerful vow
Perhaps powerful enough to end a curse.
But I’m still on guard day after day, month after month, and year after year… waiting for the distinct sounds feelings, and emotions of the passive-aggressive comments that result in the Jacob and Esau Family Curse.
And if you find yourself in the middle of your own family trauma at this time…
I offer my deepest condolences.
Perhaps a warm bowl of salted lentils might offer comfort at this time as you try to survive the destructive nature of this sweeping curse.